Healing

"May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope." 
Romans 15:13.

Since the day we left the hospital (it played in the car as we drove away) just over two weeks ago, I have clung to and listened to and sung along with one song over and over and over.
I've NEVER had a song touch my heart and match my circumstances as clearly as this one does.

Sometimes, it hurts to listen to it.  It reminds me yet again of our loss.
But most times, I smile as I hum along.
Because the singer speaks (sings) truth, and the lyrics play across my mind and soul so vividly.

My favorite part of the song?
The tag at the end.

"Jesus come and break my fear,
Awake my heart and take my tears,
Find your glory even here,
When the hurt and the Healer collide."

I need those things.

I need Jesus to break away the fears that I find myself falling into multiple times a day.
I need Him to rip away the fear that the same thing is going to happen the next time we conceive, the fear that I won't ever get to experience being a mom this side of Heaven.

I need Christ to take the tears that fall freely.
These tears that show up at unexpected times.
The drops that are barely kept at bay as one more friend announces a pregnancy, or delivers a healthy baby, or mentions details about being a new mom or grandma.  I covet those things sooo badly, and it hurts like crazy to see others experiencing what I am mourning.
And, it's not their fault.
They're not doing those things to intentionally hurt me, to cause the tears to pour once more.  But it happens, and I have developed a new-found compassion for those who have lost children and who find themselves in those painful circumstances.

But, most of all, I see God being glorified in all of this.  His healing has collided with my hurting in big, big ways.  I praise Him daily for the good that has come of this, and I still cry to Him with the things that are--well--sucky. Because, Dear Readers, losing Hadley sucked.  I'm not going to sugar-coat it because God knows it's rotten, too, and He wants me to be honest with my feelings. This loss, this hole inside of me, hurts.

I do feel the healing taking hold, though.  I do sense Christ in the big and small things that have come our way.  And, I do know that Christ wants to break the hold that the fears and the tears have on me as He is glorified and as my hurt is healed.

Thank you, again, Dear Ones, for your prayers and for your love.  You all mean so much to us.

This morning, as I work on lesson plans for the last week of school, I will listen to this song once (or twice) more.  I hope you find comfort in it as much as I do.  Blessings.

A New Normal

Then.

Hanging out with The Husband

and with friends like Hank

and being silly in restaurants

because we could.

Now.

Receiving 

20

30

40

sympathy cards

in less than two weeks.

Having 

wonderful, caring people 

pour themselves 

into fixing/providing delicious meals for us every other night.

Being presented with

plants

 and

flowers

and giant, child-made signs 

from the ones who grieve alongside us.

Finding monetary gifts 

on my desk at work 

after being gone for two weeks

and feeling a sense of awe 

at the generosity 

of our friends and coworkers.

Knowing that we will be in debt

for quite a while 

to the hospital that

took such amazing care (I wish I could double underline the word amazing because the hospital staff was absolutely incredible)

of the three of us

at one of the worst possible times.

(Jeanette and Tracy, you will probably never read this, but you were two of the kindest, most precious nurses.  The time you took with us, the care you gave us, and the kindness you showed us will never be forgotten. You were such blessings.)

Seeing the pictures 

a talented 

and

caring

photographer-friend of my teaching partner 

took of

our 

Hadley 

that day at the hospital. 

Looking at 

the sweet, sweet book

she made for us,

for my parents,

and for The Husband's parents.

(Jana, your gifts--the time you spent at the hospital, the gorgeous collage that we will TREASURE, the CD of priceless pictures, and the sweet books--meant and mean so much to the two of us.  You were a blessing we were not expecting in the midst of such pain. Thank you.)

These things are our new normal.  

I went back to work today after being gone for two weeks.  It was difficult and lovely.

Difficult to step back into a world that used to be filled with such joy and expectation.

Lovely as I spent moments with children who missed me and who love me.

The verse my sister sent me yesterday? The one a friend sent her?

"Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Our memory verse in pre-k this week (you know, the one that has been in the trimester plans since last summer, the one that I didn't even remember I was teaching until I did my lesson plans yesterday)?

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

I'm casting, 

Lord.

Thank you for surrounding us with those who are 

Your hands and feet.

Moments

The moment the test came back positive

The moment we loved you for the first time

The moment we heard your heartbeat

The moment we saw your arms and legs moving, moving

The moment we found out something might be wrong

The moment we saw you were a girl, and we began to pray pray pray for you like never before--by name

The moment you first kicked or shoved, and Daddy and I could feel you at the same time

The moment I worried that I wasn't feeling you like I had been

The moment they tried and tried and tried but couldn't find your heartbeat

The moment the doctor shook her head and said, "I'm sorry."

The moment we were admitted to the hospital, in the maternity ward, where mothers were delivering their sweet little ones

The moment the nurses began to induce and the physical pain set in right alongside the emotional pain we were all in the midst of

The moment we realized it was going to be a long night...and then a long day

The moment that I delivered you

The moment the nurse laid you on my lap

The moment Daddy and I saw your beautiful, perfect feet and your teeny, tiny hands

The moment we said goodbye

The moment we remembered you, shared your sweetness with others, and buried you in the midst of far too many small graves

The moment we cried and prayed and thanked God for those moments we had with you

We love you, sweet Hadley Grace, and we miss you oh so much.  

You have left a hole inside of us, but we are begging and trusting God to fill it like only He can.

Because.

Because, we know that you are His.  You were His from the beginning, and we are beyond grateful for the time we had you. 

Though it feels far far far too short.  

Keep praising Jesus, Little One, and keep dancing before His throne with those precious, glorious feet.  

We can't wait to join you. 

Soaking it in

I know I'm not suppose to worry.
It's not healthy, it's unproductive, it doesn't change what's happening.
Or what's going to happen.
Or even what has already happened.
Heck, me, myself, and I wrote an entire post about why I shouldn't worry.  You'd think I would at least take my own advice if not The Husband's or friends or family members. 
I'm tired.  And worn out.  And a little scared.

*This could all totally be pregnancy-related.
I'm a little hormonal these days.  I'm an emotional mess.  I cry; I complain; I panic; then, I cry some more. My poor husband has really had to extend the limits of his patience.  Not that that's a bad thing.  I think we could all use some patience-extending moments in our lives.  Don't you?

*Or, it could be my own desire to control situations.
Case in point:  Something goes awry at home (something breaks, needs cleaning, needs changing, you get the idea), and I am all about getting it set to right.  Quick.  I hate--with a capital H--having a messy home, things not put where they belong, items left to collect dust, dishes in the sink, clothes piling up. So, when it overwhelms me, as it often does, I go into "panicked-cleaning mode."  It's not a pretty sight.
The Husband does not operate this way.  "Things get done when they get done" is his motto. Which is a lovely motto to have, except when you're married to...well...me.
You see, after the news we received at our last prenatal appointment, I have had to slow waaaayyyy down.  And that, my good readers, drives me crazy.  I am not a lazy person.  Don't get me wrong.  I enjoy relaxing and reading and watching a good movie as much as the next person, and I truly relish sleeping later on Saturday mornings. And, I L-0-V-E my summers off. But, I have a very difficult time just sitting still when there are things to be done (dishes, laundry, cleaning, vacuuming, straightening, filing, etc, etc, etc.).  I know it will get easier this summer when I'm not working full time, but right now, I am stressed out.  I am counting down the days to when my mornings aren't rushed, my days aren't filled with me being on my feet, my afternoons aren't crowded with chores.  I'm excited and ready for summer to be here just as much as every other teacher and student filing into private and public schools each day.  This has been a wonderful school year, and I will miss my students very much.  But, I'm in need of a break.

*It could also be the fact that I have told the administration that I will not be returning to teach in the fall.
It hurts a little bit knowing that I won't get to see those little ones grow and mature each year as I have gotten to do these past five years.  Our school has made such an impact on me; my faith in and knowledge of God has grown by leaps and bounds just by being there.  I will be forever thankful for the opportunity I have had to teach at such a remarkable school with the amazing faculty and staff, families, and students.  I'm worried that my seeking of biblical knowledge will peter out once I'm not in that environment on an almost daily basis.  Being in the classrooms and meetings, preparing for lessons, speaking of our faith in daily conversations will all stop when May 25th rolls around. What then?

*Um, it could likely be that I will not be receiving a paycheck after August, and The Husband does not currently have any leads on a full-time, benefits-included position.
I am concerned that we will be without insurance during a critical moment of my pregnancy: the delivery. I am concerned that the Little One will decide that she likes being in there so much, all snuggly and comfy, that she will linger past my due date (as I've been told that many first-borns do) at the end of August.  We really need her to make her appearance before those benefits run out.  Can I get an "AMEN"? I love my husband and believe in him and in the abilities that God has poured into him.  I believe that when he finds that job, he will be amazing at it.  He's a friendly, charming, intelligent, handy, reliable guy, and he will be a great asset to whatever company hires him to do the thing he enjoys.  He just needs to get there.  We need God to get him there.  For my sanity, I need God to put arrows and sign posts directing our every step toward this position that is perfect for him and for the needs of our family.  I believe He will provide, just like I believe He is knitting everything together in my body to provide for a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy.  I just worry.  I worry it won't be soon enough, you know, on my timeline.  It's so silly of me to think that my timeline is perfect and without flaws.  I look back at these last 9 1/2 months of marriage, and I think, "What an amazing time The Husband and I have had delving into this marriage thing."  I praise and thank God for allowing us to have SO much time together, especially during these difficult moments in my pregnancy.  I am so grateful that The Husband has been able to go to every single one of my prenatal appointments with me and has been there when scary things were being discussed.  He has been such a rock in all of this.  Day and night.  Having him up at the school has been such an incredible blessing.  Knowing he's there in case anything were to happen has made me worry far, far less.  If it's a rough day, he hugs me and takes me straight home after school.

I have been worrying and worrying and worrying these last few weeks, and it was making me sick.  I was feeling more exhausted than ever, and my nerves were frayed.  I was short with The Husband and with others.  I was impatient and distant.  I was unpleasant.  I hated it, but I couldn't snap out of it.  The panic was setting in.  I was starting to doubt my choice to not return to teaching after the Little One comes.  I was starting to believe the lies that satan was spewing.  Then Sunday came.
You know, Sundays usually do that for me.  Turn my world back to right.  Sitting in God's presence, lifting hands and praising our Maker, hearing His word, hearing Truth.  Those things remind me that we are not alone in this existence.  That He is with us all the way.  Sunday's sermon was written for me.  I know it was.  It had to have been.  It's like God was poking me and saying, "Are you listening to the words that are coming out of Ty's mouth? They're for you, my dear. Soak it in. Pray.  Believe.  Trust." If you have any time at all, please check out the sermon titled "Kids of the King." You can download this puppy and listen right here. You will not regret it, and I pray that your time spent listening to God's word and the message Ty gives is blessed beyond measure.

I can't focus on the judgements and worries and fears of others.
The Word says, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe." Proverbs 29:25
I can't focus on my own either.

It's difficult, but I'm going to do what I heard in that message Sunday.
I will soak it in.
I will pray.
I will believe.
I will trust.

Will you join me?

23 Weeks

Pregnancy Highlights:

How far along:  23 weeks and 1 day today

Size of baby:  The Little One is 8 inches long, weighs a little over 1 pound, and is the size of a papaya.

Total weight gain/loss: I really have no idea how much I weigh at this point.  I'll visit the doctor this week, and then I can determine how much weight I've gained since finding out I was pregnant. 

Maternity clothes:  I've integrated several of the shirts The Best Friend gave me, but I'm still able to wear many of my shirts and dresses.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to make it through the end of May with what I have.  I'd really rather not have to purchase more dresses/shirts for work.  I feel blessed that I have been able to borrow so many things up to this point and that school will be out in just a few weeks. Then, it's shorts, tank tops, sundresses, and flip flops for this girl!

Gender:  We believe she's still a girl, and we'll find out for sure this week. :)

Movement:  I haven't felt her move much this week.  I worry that that means something could be wrong, but I'm trusting that everything is ok and that she's just still small enough to be moving in there without me knowing it.  Did I mention we'll be having an ultrasound this week?! I'm really looking forward to seeing her move lots on that screen! Would you pray that the Little One looks great and perfect and active and that all my insides are knit together like they should be?  Thank you! We appreciate your prayers more than we can ever say.

Sleep:  Sleep, for the most part, has still been going well. 

What I miss: Pretty much everything that being on "pelvic rest" prevents me from doing. 

Cravings:  Chocolate shakes and Salt and Vinegar Chips.  Saturday, our friend Hank came over to hang out and have dinner with us.  I was telling him about my cravings, and he said, "So...pickles and ice cream, huh?" Haha! Clever guy :)  Side note:  For dinner that night, I fixed blueberry pancakes (which were a bit runny and looked more like crepes) and cantaloupe.  And, we had a cheesecake pie for dessert!  Here are some pictures of some less-crepey blueberry pancakes I made a few weeks ago.  Just because.  These were pretty yummy, too, but I must say I did, in fact, enjoy the crepey version the other night. :) I'm incredibly old-fashioned when it comes to fixing these homemade pancakes ;) I follow the Bisquick recipe, add a TON of blueberries...no point in measuring, and sprinkle in some flax seed.  Sometimes, I'll add a drop of vanilla or almond extract.  As for eating them, The Husband and I differ on our pancake preparation routine.  He piles his pancakes one on top of the other...at least 5...(I'll get a picture next time), digs out a giant hole in the center, puts butter, and pours in the syrup.  A lot of syrup.  This is not one of our healthiest meals!  I, on the other hand, get two or three pancakes spread out on my plate, melt LOTS of butter on top of them, then add some shredded cheese on top of each for some extra protein.  The sweet/salty ratio of this meal is so tasty!

 

Symptoms:  I feel like this is the "Duhn, duhn, duhn...complaining section" of the post, and I don't like that.  I shouldn't complain because I'm so very blessed.  It's just difficult to be on my feet or in a chair for most of the day while my back is spasming and the tendons feel like they're popping and stretching apart in my chest.

Exercise: No gym time; praying, praying, praying that the doctor says everything looks great.  I'd love for her to give me the go-ahead to get back to at least walking/stretching/doing light weights at the gym.  I just feel so...inactive. 

Best moment this week:   I don't know that this week held a "best moment."  I mean the week wasn't terrible; nothing just stands out as spectacular.  Actually, that's not true.  Worship yesterday morning was pretty phenomenal.  I love being a member of our worship team!  So, the "best moment of the week" was worshiping together as the body of Christ.  Have a great week!

Beautiful weather

Last weekend was so beautiful (really the last few weeks have been so lovely, weather-wise) that The Husband moved the wooden rocking chair in our bedroom out to our balcony, so I could read out there and enjoy the weather.  I stayed out there for at least an hour before my eyes became heavy, and I realized that if I didn't get up and start moving around, I'd fall asleep out there.  Between chapters, I took a few shots of my view.

It was gorgeous outside; perfect temperature, a slight breeze, quiet neighborhood.  Well, mostly quiet.  As  I was reading, I heard a voice from around the corner downstairs say, "If you don't poop, I'm gonna squeeze it out of you!"  Haha, I had to try very hard to stifle the giggle that was threatening to pop out and let that unhappy woman know she and her disobedient dog were not alone!

That's all for now.  Have a great weekend!

This guy named Hank

Hey y'all!  I have never done a post like this before, but I feel compelled.  Com-pelled, I tell you.

The Husband and I are friends with a guy named Hank. Well, his name is Henry, but everyone calls him Hank...except his sweet mom.   
Hank joined our church a few years ago, and then he joined the small group we were apart of last year.  Ever since that first meeting, The Husband and Hank have really gotten along well. :) Haha! Can you tell?!

Picture taken by the talented Bethany.  Hank's on the left; The Husband is on the right.  And..my mom is eating a strawberry :)

He loves dogs, and he has rescued many over the years.

He's smart and has a great sense of humor.  He's pretty witty!

Haha, they are two of a kind!

He sings with our worship team at church.
He works hard at his job (something to do with computers), and he's also a co-owner of a something-to-do-with-computers business.

He recently sponsored two children through Holt International, and it has changed his life.

He's an amazing friend with a very generous spirit. 
Just a few examples:
~He's volunteered to buy groceries and make dinner for us twice now.  He's a great cook! This last time, he made Shrimp Marsala! Yum!
~He's giving of his time and talents.  He's helped paint the nursery and move furniture.
~He bought a nice mattress for the Little One's baby bed.  Just because.

He's a good listener and a great guy to hang out with!  We love having him over!

Doesn't he have a nice smile?! Um, not The Husband.  I mean, normally, The Husband has a great smile...

But most importantly, he's a follower of Christ.  He walks the walk.  I know this to be true because I see Christ in him often.

And, he has not been snatched up yet by the right girl!! How can this be?

I don't know if anything will come of this post, but I told him that I know God has someone perfect out there for him.  What if she's reading this blog right now?!
If you know of a gal who would like to chat with Hank and get to know the guy we know and love, leave me a message.  None of the messages get posted without me reading them first.  If you'd rather it be private, please say that (I promise not to post it) and send me your name and a way to get in touch with you (email would probably be best).
Go on!
Take a chance.
You never know where God will lead you, and this could be a neat opportunity to step outside of your comfort zone and meet someone new and great!