This morning was different. Because I'm different. I chose to take those moments, those minutes of quiet before the alarms started going off and my morning of rushing began, to think and ponder and pray.
What changed me? Why was this morning different? Because I knew God woke me up so I could spend time with Him. Alone. Un-rushed. I haven't been doing much of that lately. Life, problems, frustrations have all gotten in the way. All of those things that should have
shoved nudged me toward my Maker, instead had me worrying and trying to deal with them on my own. I held everything in. I tried to take control.
I haven't been a very nice person lately, especially to the fiance. I have been rude and self-seeking and proud. I thought I had the right to treat him poorly because of the way I was feeling, because of my insecurities and worries and fears. I wasn't getting my way, my plan was being thwarted, and I desperately wanted things to change and get better. But in my sinful nature, I went about it in the worst way possible. I tried to manipulate the situation by getting "righteously angry" when things didn't go the way I thought they should have gone. I felt justified in my frustration. I was in the right. Wrong.
Just because I may have been in the right, it does not give me permission to shame him into changing things.
First of all, it doesn't work that way. Maybe I've done it because I'm a "teacher-pleaser," and if I feel shamed, I do my best to fix the situation pronto. Not everyone is like that. Thank goodness.
Second, I have no right to hurt him with my actions or words regardless of whether or not I've been hurt. I do not have that right. Nowhere in the Bible does it say, "Beloved, if thou hast had thine feelings trampled upon, thou mayest trample upon thine brethren's feelings." Nope, the Good Book says to love unconditionally. It says "Love must be sincere" (Romans 12), and "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs" (1 Corinthians 13). I am ashamed to say that I have been the exact opposite of almost every one of those things lately. I stopped being patient and kind. I lifted myself (metaphorically-speaking) above him. I was self-centered and easily angered. And I kept, though unconsciously, that record of wrongs like it was going out of style. I stopped asking the God of the Universe, the One "who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20), to let His Holy Spirit pour forth His fruit into my life so that I could be fruitful in turn. And I'm so very sorry.
Last night was a turning point. I am not the same. I am changed. This morning, I talked to my Father. We spent alone-time together. It was sweet and lovely, and my morning started the way my mornings should be started. Unhurried. Calm. Prayerful. At the feet of Jesus. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to lay my burdens at His feet, to confess my failures, to find that perfect love that casts out all fear. I feel clean and renewed and transformed. I feel alive.
Currently, I'm reading a book called The Excellent Wife. In Chapter 5, the author writes, "Giving of yourself to your husband is not going above and beyond the call of duty. It is only doing as you ought. You ought to be kind to your husband. You ought to be open, transparent, and honest with him. Perhaps you struggle with openness, transparency, and honesty. If you do, the reason is that sinful man:
---seeks to be isolated.
---seeks to be in control.
---seeks to hide, cover up from hurt/pain.
---seeks to be self-protective.
---tends to be self-focused...
Your words are to be edifying. Your tasks sacrificial. Your motive for the glory of God...He wants you to be not only like the Lord Jesus, but He also wants you to help your husband become as much like Him as possible."
Those. Words. Convict.
And thankfully so. I want to be ^^that^^ kind of wife. This time together now, this time of dating and spending time together, is my trial-run for being that kind of wife. Because in 146 days, our life together officially starts, and I have to put my money where my mouth (and my heart) is. There's no time like the present to start things off right. And I'm excited. I'm excited to do all of those things for the Glory of God.
I can't stop fidgeting because I'm so thrilled that I have this fresh perspective, this fresh outlook, this fresh chance. I'm forgiven. I'm new. I'm ready. I'm in love.
And I'm going to love. Fully, sincerely, and patiently.
Aaagh! So excited! :D
To God be the Glory. Forever and ever!