Almost a Day Old

34 weeks gestation on Sunday. 

I should be posting about my weekly things. 

Instead, I'm introducing you to our Ella Hope. 

The nurse said she was born at 3:32am. 

I was told she's 5 pounds, 17 1/2 inches long and has dark, thick hair. 

I wouldn't know. 

I was completely under. 

I missed her first cry. 

I didn't get to hold her, touch her, see her.

No skin-to-skin or breast feeding. 

 None of my wishes for this birth came to pass. 

Ella's birth story

The last anyone knew, I was going to be sent home Sunday afternoon having been contraction-free all day Saturday. Sunday morning around midnight I woke in discomfort and needing to urinate. I asked The Husband to help me up and told him I thought I was having a contraction. We got settled back in our sleeping arrangements, but I continued to hurt. From midnight until 2:30 I laid in agonizing pain thinking she was trying to turn since no contractions were showing up on the monitor. 

The nurse came in to check on me. I explained how I was feeling while tears poured. The nurse offered the jetted tub, and I agreed thinking it might bring some relief. Before I could get in, she checked to make sure I wasn't starting to dilate. I wasn't, but being on my back brought on such intense pain that I couldn't stop shaking and crying. This concerned her, and they called my dr who happened to be on call this weekend. 

He said we were doing a csection. I said I did not agree. I just knew we had to give her a little longer to finish turning. To start causing me less pain. The dr came in and began talking to me about what could also be causing the pain. Internal, very-bad things. I consented. 

They prepped me, gave me the spinal tap, and we waited for it to kick in. It didn't. Ever. They had to put me completely under with gas, and The Husband wasn't allowed in until she was born. Then, the dr explained what had happened. 

First, my uterus is misshapen. Actually, it never formed fully during puberty we assume. That's why I haven't been able to carry my babies to term. There's simply not enough room for them to grow bigger.  Jack turned early enough so that I was able to deliver him naturally, albeit early. Ella didn't make the turn soon enough, so when she tried, things went from bad to worse. 

Second, the cord was wrapped around her neck. Not tightly, but enough that it was starting to cause distress, probably from all of the moving she was doing. 

I'm so glad God gave my dr wisdom, The Husband calmness in such uncertainty, and me incredible peace once I was wheeled into the operating room. I was so calm staring at the ceiling, getting the spinal tap, following instructions. The only time that broke was when I begged them to send in my husband before knocking me out, and they wouldn't. But, then I was out, and I remember nothing else until I started waking up after surgery. I woke up in so much pain, and the morphine didn't kick in for quite a while. The Husband told me about her, what she looked like, showed me pictures, held my hand. And I wept because it didn't feel real. I didn't feel like I had a baby. She wasn't with me, I didn't see or feel her being born. She came so early that I couldn't nurse her. At least not yet. 

But I can pump. And, that gives me something to keep my mind on. Doing something for my daughter.  Providing nourishment even if she can't get it now. And I'm praying that she will be able to nurse when she's finally ready to be held. 

I've pumped three times now, and we're hopeful she will get some in a feeding tube soon once he's taken off her breathing paraphernalia. 

She's not on oxygen, just something to force the air in a little bit more. 

So that's the news so far. Our families and friends have been up to see the three of us, and my parents continue to watch Jack at home. He's doing well. 

Now, looking at the clock, she's officially a day old.  I long to see her, but I will continue to wait. Not so patiently. :). And I'll try to sleep. And in an hour I will try to get up for the first time and walk. I'm nervous about that. 

Maybe I can doze until then. 

Thank you for praying for our girl, for our family, for strength, and for healing.