Private and oh so public

This is my blog. I come here to write public things often. Rarely do I post things that are super personal.

Tonight's post is one that's like a diary entry. I don't know why I'm making it public. I suppose because I'm hoping against all hope that God is doing something amazing through these trials.  I will in all likelihood close the comments section though because, although I TRULY value your opinions, I just can't handle much more right now. 

My heart is heavy. I feel its weight crushing my insides and rising up in my throat. 

The Husband has yet to find a job. 

Our home needs to be sold or leased out so that we don't foreclose on it.  We have a few options but they all involve incurring more debt than we already have. 

Our cats need a home.  Like tomorrow. They can no longer be cared for, and there's just not enough room for them where we are. I've checked into the shelter policy on bringing animals to them. Y'all, my oldest cat will in all likelihood not be a "candidate."  Not because he's vicious or ill. No, he's just old. As I'm sure you're aware, old cats aren't that popular in the adoption arena. It's just killing me. And, yes, I know they're "just animals."  But I made a commitment.  I fully understand that people are simply more important.  But, I also know that when I adopted them, I committed to take care of them. I promised to shelter and feed them. And, I can no longer do those things. And, I'm sad. Just so sad. 

Oh how my heart hurts these days. 

It's so easy to say, " I trust."

It's also so hard to keep hope alive when the walls seem to be falling down around me. 

I'm weary. So weary. 

I'm ready to rest. 

Rest from the fear that we're going to lose our material possessions. 

Rest from the anxiety. The sadness. The frustration of not knowing how we'll make it. 

I can only imagine the strain The Husband is under, but I do carry a burden, too. Others have told me of several teaching opportunities in the area. They are good (I assume) schools.  I'm sure they would treat me fine. The salary, I'm sure, would help ease the burden.  But, I can't do it. No, that's not right. I choose not to do it. I choose not to step into that world again and out of the one I've just so recently stepped into.  Is that selfish? I know it is. Should I go back to being the main bread winner again? Should I leave my new baby in the care of someone else? Should I give up this dream I've had since I was a little girl?  The shoulds could go on and on. In my mind, it's not an option, but I know several people think I'm being foolish.

Y'all I hate this. Hate it with everything in me. I want it to go away. I want to wake up tomorrow in our home. With our cats. With The Husband in a perfect job. 

In the grand scheme of things, this is all so trivial. I know it is.  

But right now it hurts. 

A lot. 


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