Soaking it in

I know I'm not suppose to worry.
It's not healthy, it's unproductive, it doesn't change what's happening.
Or what's going to happen.
Or even what has already happened.
Heck, me, myself, and I wrote an entire post about why I shouldn't worry.  You'd think I would at least take my own advice if not The Husband's or friends or family members. 
I'm tired.  And worn out.  And a little scared.

*This could all totally be pregnancy-related.
I'm a little hormonal these days.  I'm an emotional mess.  I cry; I complain; I panic; then, I cry some more. My poor husband has really had to extend the limits of his patience.  Not that that's a bad thing.  I think we could all use some patience-extending moments in our lives.  Don't you?

*Or, it could be my own desire to control situations.
Case in point:  Something goes awry at home (something breaks, needs cleaning, needs changing, you get the idea), and I am all about getting it set to right.  Quick.  I hate--with a capital H--having a messy home, things not put where they belong, items left to collect dust, dishes in the sink, clothes piling up. So, when it overwhelms me, as it often does, I go into "panicked-cleaning mode."  It's not a pretty sight.
The Husband does not operate this way.  "Things get done when they get done" is his motto. Which is a lovely motto to have, except when you're married to...well...me.
You see, after the news we received at our last prenatal appointment, I have had to slow waaaayyyy down.  And that, my good readers, drives me crazy.  I am not a lazy person.  Don't get me wrong.  I enjoy relaxing and reading and watching a good movie as much as the next person, and I truly relish sleeping later on Saturday mornings. And, I L-0-V-E my summers off. But, I have a very difficult time just sitting still when there are things to be done (dishes, laundry, cleaning, vacuuming, straightening, filing, etc, etc, etc.).  I know it will get easier this summer when I'm not working full time, but right now, I am stressed out.  I am counting down the days to when my mornings aren't rushed, my days aren't filled with me being on my feet, my afternoons aren't crowded with chores.  I'm excited and ready for summer to be here just as much as every other teacher and student filing into private and public schools each day.  This has been a wonderful school year, and I will miss my students very much.  But, I'm in need of a break.

*It could also be the fact that I have told the administration that I will not be returning to teach in the fall.
It hurts a little bit knowing that I won't get to see those little ones grow and mature each year as I have gotten to do these past five years.  Our school has made such an impact on me; my faith in and knowledge of God has grown by leaps and bounds just by being there.  I will be forever thankful for the opportunity I have had to teach at such a remarkable school with the amazing faculty and staff, families, and students.  I'm worried that my seeking of biblical knowledge will peter out once I'm not in that environment on an almost daily basis.  Being in the classrooms and meetings, preparing for lessons, speaking of our faith in daily conversations will all stop when May 25th rolls around. What then?

*Um, it could likely be that I will not be receiving a paycheck after August, and The Husband does not currently have any leads on a full-time, benefits-included position.
I am concerned that we will be without insurance during a critical moment of my pregnancy: the delivery. I am concerned that the Little One will decide that she likes being in there so much, all snuggly and comfy, that she will linger past my due date (as I've been told that many first-borns do) at the end of August.  We really need her to make her appearance before those benefits run out.  Can I get an "AMEN"? I love my husband and believe in him and in the abilities that God has poured into him.  I believe that when he finds that job, he will be amazing at it.  He's a friendly, charming, intelligent, handy, reliable guy, and he will be a great asset to whatever company hires him to do the thing he enjoys.  He just needs to get there.  We need God to get him there.  For my sanity, I need God to put arrows and sign posts directing our every step toward this position that is perfect for him and for the needs of our family.  I believe He will provide, just like I believe He is knitting everything together in my body to provide for a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy.  I just worry.  I worry it won't be soon enough, you know, on my timeline.  It's so silly of me to think that my timeline is perfect and without flaws.  I look back at these last 9 1/2 months of marriage, and I think, "What an amazing time The Husband and I have had delving into this marriage thing."  I praise and thank God for allowing us to have SO much time together, especially during these difficult moments in my pregnancy.  I am so grateful that The Husband has been able to go to every single one of my prenatal appointments with me and has been there when scary things were being discussed.  He has been such a rock in all of this.  Day and night.  Having him up at the school has been such an incredible blessing.  Knowing he's there in case anything were to happen has made me worry far, far less.  If it's a rough day, he hugs me and takes me straight home after school.

I have been worrying and worrying and worrying these last few weeks, and it was making me sick.  I was feeling more exhausted than ever, and my nerves were frayed.  I was short with The Husband and with others.  I was impatient and distant.  I was unpleasant.  I hated it, but I couldn't snap out of it.  The panic was setting in.  I was starting to doubt my choice to not return to teaching after the Little One comes.  I was starting to believe the lies that satan was spewing.  Then Sunday came.
You know, Sundays usually do that for me.  Turn my world back to right.  Sitting in God's presence, lifting hands and praising our Maker, hearing His word, hearing Truth.  Those things remind me that we are not alone in this existence.  That He is with us all the way.  Sunday's sermon was written for me.  I know it was.  It had to have been.  It's like God was poking me and saying, "Are you listening to the words that are coming out of Ty's mouth? They're for you, my dear. Soak it in. Pray.  Believe.  Trust." If you have any time at all, please check out the sermon titled "Kids of the King." You can download this puppy and listen right here. You will not regret it, and I pray that your time spent listening to God's word and the message Ty gives is blessed beyond measure.

I can't focus on the judgements and worries and fears of others.
The Word says, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe." Proverbs 29:25
I can't focus on my own either.

It's difficult, but I'm going to do what I heard in that message Sunday.
I will soak it in.
I will pray.
I will believe.
I will trust.

Will you join me?

Comments

  1. Sweetheart, reflect back over the last five years and think about all the obstacles that our dear Heavenly Father has helped you surmount. Think, also, about the love and happiness He has brought into your life. He continues to guide you and to provide for you. He will not let you down. Yes, it did seem as if your minister had your doubts in mind when he preached that excellent sermon. Motherhood IS THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB a woman can have. Rest easy in your decisions - all will be taken care of!! Love you.

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  2. I'm so sorry things are tough for you babe. Even though we know God's Hand is in everything it is so utterly hard not to worry about things we cannot control, which in and of itself doesn't help the worry.

    We know that God's plan for you and the Little One is oh so magnificent and that everything will work out for His Glory.

    I've been wondering how I can be a better friend for you in your time of need and I feel that your post has given me a way to do so. Let me come over this weekend and help you out. And just so you know, this is not a request, honey, I'm telling you I'm coming over this weekend and helping you in the way I know best. I'm going to come and clean for you, so that you can stop worrying about it. Let me know if you have any pressing plans because if not, I'll be at your door by 9, cleaning supplies in hand. :) Text me about if this works for you, because I will do it.

    Praying for the three of you, my dear, and that God's work will be done in your life in this time of need.

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I love reading your thoughts on what I've posted. Thanks so much for sharing them with me! Blessings!

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