Healing

"May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope." 
Romans 15:13.

Since the day we left the hospital (it played in the car as we drove away) just over two weeks ago, I have clung to and listened to and sung along with one song over and over and over.
I've NEVER had a song touch my heart and match my circumstances as clearly as this one does.

Sometimes, it hurts to listen to it.  It reminds me yet again of our loss.
But most times, I smile as I hum along.
Because the singer speaks (sings) truth, and the lyrics play across my mind and soul so vividly.

My favorite part of the song?
The tag at the end.

"Jesus come and break my fear,
Awake my heart and take my tears,
Find your glory even here,
When the hurt and the Healer collide."

I need those things.

I need Jesus to break away the fears that I find myself falling into multiple times a day.
I need Him to rip away the fear that the same thing is going to happen the next time we conceive, the fear that I won't ever get to experience being a mom this side of Heaven.

I need Christ to take the tears that fall freely.
These tears that show up at unexpected times.
The drops that are barely kept at bay as one more friend announces a pregnancy, or delivers a healthy baby, or mentions details about being a new mom or grandma.  I covet those things sooo badly, and it hurts like crazy to see others experiencing what I am mourning.
And, it's not their fault.
They're not doing those things to intentionally hurt me, to cause the tears to pour once more.  But it happens, and I have developed a new-found compassion for those who have lost children and who find themselves in those painful circumstances.

But, most of all, I see God being glorified in all of this.  His healing has collided with my hurting in big, big ways.  I praise Him daily for the good that has come of this, and I still cry to Him with the things that are--well--sucky. Because, Dear Readers, losing Hadley sucked.  I'm not going to sugar-coat it because God knows it's rotten, too, and He wants me to be honest with my feelings. This loss, this hole inside of me, hurts.

I do feel the healing taking hold, though.  I do sense Christ in the big and small things that have come our way.  And, I do know that Christ wants to break the hold that the fears and the tears have on me as He is glorified and as my hurt is healed.

Thank you, again, Dear Ones, for your prayers and for your love.  You all mean so much to us.

This morning, as I work on lesson plans for the last week of school, I will listen to this song once (or twice) more.  I hope you find comfort in it as much as I do.  Blessings.

Comments

  1. Joy I watch with joyful praise the grace you show each day in this time of great grief and loss. Your tenacious faith in the face of great pain and sorrow is a beautiful testimony of God's Faithful, Merciful Grace to those who wholly trust in him in the lowest darkest moments of life. You bring Glory to the Father in your pain and that sacrifice is a beautiful testimony. I can tell that you have soaked in the Word because in this time of suffering the Word anchors you to God and out of you it splashes those around you with hope.

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  2. Kathy has said so eloquently what I am thinking and feeling. May He take your fears and wipe away all your tears. You are "alive" and witnessing to so many with your tremendous faith. Continue this journey of healing knowing that God is carrying you and Spencer. We love you.

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