...the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth
It has been, what seems, a very long time since I last posted. These last four weeks have been filled to the brim. In one month's time, I got engaged, journeyed to Michigan (and Chicago while there), spent time at my parents' house on the way home, experienced a wonderful weekend in Galveston with my fellowship group, and made my way over to a little town near Livingston for a staff retreat this past weekend. This month has been filled with adventure, relaxation, sun, playtime, education, books, and a little tutoring on the side. Even if I had been full of wonderful thoughts and ideas about what to write on here, I wouldn't have had time to sit down at the computer and compile them all. I just glanced at the calendar, and I have 3 weeks before we begin inservice at school and 4 weeks until I get to meet the kiddos who will be in my class this year. The summer has passed swiftly by, but I'm not complaining. I feel truly blessed and grateful to be working at a school that allows us a full three months off in the summer. A full three months to regroup, recoup, and refill.
Lately, the fiance and I have been talking. Really conversing. As in still chatting at 2:30 in the morning. And what, you may be asking, is it that we are deeply discussing into the dark, wee hours of the morning? Communication. Or...the lack there-of.
Don't get me wrong. We communicate. And I think for the most part, we do a good job of expressing ourselves and our needs/wants. But, and this is difficult for me to confess, I hold back. Out of my deep need to please people, to not upset them, to not hurt them, to not anger them, I hold back. And it seems that I have pulled that trait into our relationship. Sometimes, I'm not even aware that I'm doing it. He often has to drag things out of me once they've all piled up into this tower of angst/sadness/disappointment/fill-in-the-blank-emotion that's so overbearing in my mind that I'm at a loss as to how exactly I'm suppose to put into words what I'm feeling.
It's frustrating and ugly. It's not telling the full truth. And one night recently, he said it's basically a lack of trust. Specifically...me not trusting him. Of me not trusting him enough to be completely honest with what's on my mind. Of course I argued that it was not! I got high and mighty and proclaimed "Good grief...of course I trust you!" and got rather...well...huffy. Not my finest hour. *Ahem*
I did, however, listen as he explained. I heard him. I really did. And it resonated. It's still resonating, which is why I'm writing about it here. Sometimes I think that writing about thoughts and ideas concretes them in my heart and head.
By not telling him what I'm thinking and feeling without editing or holding back, I'm essentially saying that I don't trust him enough to take whatever I say and still love me regardless. My lack of full disclosure is telling him that I don't trust his response, whether it be verbal (what if he says something unkind, something that can't be taken back?) or mental (what if he thinks thoughts that will only fester and grow uglier?) or physical (what if he walks away or turns his back on us...on me?). I haven't given him enough credit. In those conversations where I haven't expressed everything, I've stolen those chances for him to prove me wrong. And those doubts? Not from God. Not from my Father who tells me that worrying won't add a single hour to my life. Those doubts are from the one who fights to steal my joy, steal my strength, steal my trust in Him who saves and in Him who will never forsake me.
God's word says that "speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." So, I promise that I will speak the truth in love to whomever I'm sharing my innermost thoughts with, and I will trust. Trust God to lead us through challenges. Trust the other person to respond likewise in love.
I think that as I continue studying more about God, by gaining more knowledge of Him who is so powerful, so awesome, so amazing (have you ever noticed that those adjectives are so over-used and can't truly, fully express the awe we should feel in knowing the God of the universe?), I will grow in wisdom and understanding. Those will lead me closer to Him, closer to Jesus (the Way, the Truth, and the Life), closer to the Author and Perfecter of my faith.
I'm so thrilled to be on this journey. And I'm even more excited to be able to share it with a man who desires to travel this road with me, to know and love our Lord more fully, and to communicate with more honesty, truth, and trust as our relationship grows stronger in Christ.
"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ..." Ephesians 1:7-9